


To the Sunshine From the Rain

by WaitandWonder



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: (a bit of), Angst, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:36:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22441195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaitandWonder/pseuds/WaitandWonder
Summary: Basically John and Roger falling in love during the recording of The Miracle.
Relationships: John Deacon & Roger Taylor, John Deacon/Roger Taylor
Comments: 49
Kudos: 82





	1. WHEN THE DAWN LIGHT WAKES UP

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not great at summaries, sorry about that! Disclaimer: Don't understand much of what goes on while recording an album either but that's not the important plot here ;) 
> 
> I hope you all like it. I would love to read your thoughts! This story comes in three parts so I hope you stay for the rest!
> 
> Thank you so much to AHardLifee who not only made the beautiful moodboard but also beta the entire fic <3 (and also listened to me talk about this lots of times) Check out her fics because they are amazing!!

‘Is this the right studio or am I in Queen’s daycare?’

A smile appeared on Roger’s face instantly, he didn’t have to turn around to know who was the owner of that voice. After almost 20 years Roger could recognize John from miles away.

‘You are one to talk. You’re still way ahead of everyone’ the blond replied as he stood up with Rory on his arms.

He walked towards his friend and brought him closer with one of his arms to hug him. John embraced him back lingering there for a moment. It was always nice to see his friend again after a while of being apart.

It is not as if he hadn’t seen John since the band decided to take a break and focus on their individual projects and families but he was more than excited knowing he was going to go back to sharing more time with him.

Of course they had got together a few times with the other ones over these past three years and John had even helped him with some bass lines for his new album. But his friend was a solitary person or at least he believed himself to be one and tended to play the part.

Roger never took it personally. Again, he had known the man for over 20 years and he was pretty sure he knew how the engines inside the brunet’s head worked. He knew, most of the times, when to push a little bit more and when to stop. 

He had been a bit worried when he didn’t hear from John for a couple of months, not going to lie there, but he knew if John ever needed a helping hand he could pick the phone up and reach to him. He knew John loved to spend time with his wife and children and tried to make the most of it. Unlike him, he actually enjoyed the mundane part of their crazy lives, the one that didn’t involved touring or spending hours to end inside a studio.

‘How have you been, Rog?’ John asked with that incredible calm voice of his and a smile spreading across his face. ‘And how is this beautiful girl doing?’ he addressed his daughter now who giggled in response, tightening her grip on him and hiding her face. 

Roger brought his forehead against his daughter's head as to tell her a secret and pretended to whisper. ‘Uncle John asked you a question, sweetie. It’s a bit rude to hide and laugh. He will think you are laughing at him!’ 

Rory turned her head quickly towards the bass player and with a smile she lifted her thumbs up. John chuckled. ‘Good to know. Good to know.’ He looked at Roger again ‘And I assume that baby crying is Emily, right?’ 

Roger nodded

‘Yeah, Brian is with her now’

‘I should have brought one of mine and start a new mini band,’ John teased and Roger laughed.

A silence sat between them but Roger was feeling an itch to get John talking, can you blame him? He had missed the man.

‘So…’ he began only to drift off

He followed John with his eyes as he walked to the hanger and left his coat there as well as his bag. When Roger didn’t continue he looked at him and raised his eyebrows as to encourage him to go on.

‘How is everything? I feel like it’s been radio silence from your side for a while. Have you been spending a lot of time with the wifey and the kids?’

John didn’t respond immediately, his expression unreadable as he made himself comfortable in one of the couches. Roger frowned a bit with confusion but before he could say anything Brian came into the room.

‘I don’t think we’ll be able to do much or focus much if Emily keeps cry- John!’ His face lit up immediately as he saw the bass player, he then approached him to give him a small hug. ‘How have you been? I feel like I haven’t seen you or talk to you for ages!’

John gave him a lopsided smile in return. An uncomfortable one, in Roger’s opinion.

What was going on? John was usually stocked to talk about his family and all the tinkering he had done back at home.

Maybe Roger was imagining things or was reading a little bit much into his actions but the small smile and sigh of relief that John let out when his hand reached the brunet’s shoulder, made him believe he wasn’t so mistaken.

‘I- I actually wanted to let you both know this… umh’ he cleared his throat before continuing. He wasn’t looking at either of them in the eyes but he also wasn’t taking Roger’s supporting hand off him.

‘Is everything alright, John?’ Brian asked

It clearly wasn’t, and Roger was noticing it just now.

‘I don’t think that- uhm, that this is the most appropriate time to tell you this. You know, us just getting back together but I also feel like you should know uhm.. you know’ he took a deep breath ‘You should know that Veronica and I are splitting up’ he rushed the words out of his mouth.

Roger wasn’t sure what his face looked like at that moment but if it was anything like Brian’s then he wasn’t doing a great job at hiding his surprise. 

And by surprise he meant utter shock and disbelief.

So many thoughts came into his mind and he could externalise none of them.

At this point the silence that sat in the room was clearly an awkward one. An uncomfortable one. But none of them were daring to speak.

Veronica and John were splitting up? The golden couple? It made no sense. Of course Roger knew that couples sometimes broke up, move on from the feelings they have for each other. Hell, it had been the case for all of Roger’s relationships. 

Him having breaking up himself with Dominique just a few months ago; he shouldn’t find this outcome so hard to understand. 

But this seemed out of nowhere. John and Veronica had been the relationship everyone looked up to. Of course it wasn’t a perfect one. He knew they had their quarrels and that John hadn’t been exactly a saint while on tour but… they were Veronica and John, you know?

‘And how are you feeling about it, mate? Do you need us to help you with anything?’ Brian finally spoke

John shook his head ‘That’s alright. I have had time to wrap my head out of this and this decision has been thought and talked about thoroughly. It wasn’t exactly out of nowhere.’

IT WASN’T!?

‘Are you alright, Rog? I think you are taking it harder than me,’ the bass player teased softly but Roger’s heart was sinking a bit more every second it went by.

So this wasn’t so recent? So John had gone through everything alone? 

Roger had just assumed his friend was making the most out of his time with his family but it seemed it had been quite the opposite. He tried to recall the last time he had seen him, when he helped him on the studio...everything had been alright. Right?

He must have said it out loud because John responded,

‘I mean, it wasn’t alright but it wasn’t that bad either. We were still trying to figure some things out then. Trying to go through the tough patch, you know’ he sighed ‘but yeah, we realized there was no point to it.’ 

Brian opened his mouth to speak again but John cut him off quickly ‘And I would really appreciate it if we don’t go into more detail. At least for now.’ To which they both nodded. 

John was a reserved person most of the times; there was no point in asking him questions or trying to get him to vent when he didn’t want to. And it wouldn’t be fair to John if he pressured him to speak. 

‘I hope you know this, Deaks, but you know that if there is anything you need… ANYTHING, we are here for you.’

‘I know, Rog. Thank you, I really appreciate it.’

If it were anyone else he would have made a joke about how many more birds there were in the world begging for a chance with him but… this was John, John and Veronica. God, it was weird. They had been together for the longest, and they were always so perfect together, so in love. What had happened?

And that wasn’t the worst part. No. The worst part was that Roger had been too fucking busy. Minding his own bloody business that hadn’t even notice his friend had been going through this shitty moment.

His chest was feeling heavy and he reminded himself to breathe. 

He was affected by the news, but more so for the realization that he had not been there for John. John who had been with him when he was going through a hard time. 

How hadn’t he noticed before? Would have he noticed it at some point if John hadn’t told them?

Roger Taylor was a lot of not so good things. Hot tempered, a bit selfish… a bit of a cheater… but if there was something he had always prided himself of was of being a good and supporting friend. 

‘So let's get this party started!! Oh, who died in here?’ Freddie’s voice took them all by surprise. 

John was about to speak but the man cut him off ‘Oh! You have told them already, right?’ John just nodded.

Roger frowned.

‘You knew?’ He asked trying to hide the hurt in his voice. 

Freddie bit his lip as if he had said something he shouldn’t have.

‘Freddie helped me with some stuff,’ said the bassist simply and without taking his gaze off said man.

A familiar smirk came back to Freddie’s face. ‘And I’ve told you this before Deaky, but if you want to move on faster, I have some friends to introduce you to.’ 

‘I don’t think your friends and John run in the same circles, Fred.’

‘Well, Brian, you never know.’

Freddie and John shared another knowing look and smile. Roger was now even more confused. 

And hurt. He should had been someone John could come to if he needed help. Freddie had always been like a father to him but…

He decided to stop turning this matter around in his head. It wouldn’t help. He needed to be there for John now. John’s feelings were more important.

As John had asked then to drop the subject he did just that. They all did. It was never brought up during their session back together.

They didn’t have much time to bring it up either, though. They might have gotten older but they still got their opinions regarding their music and none was afraid to voice them. Now there was less shouting involved, which was nice, but everyone was still talking over the others when trying to get an idea out.

He had missed this.

The first thing that was talked about was regarding the ownership of their songs. John suggested that all their new songs should be written under the band’s name. Surprisingly, everyone agreed instantly. It was only fair, it felt right.

The rest of the afternoon went away faster than he would have liked and soon they were putting their coats on and saying their goodbyes.

‘Hey, Deaks. How about we go out for a drink?’

‘I don’t think she is allowed to drink.’ He motioned with his head to Rory who was asleep in his arms.

Roger chuckled. ‘Yeah, no. She isn’t. But we are and I’m dropping her at Dominique’s. You can come with me and then we can head to a bar.’ 

John pressed his lips together and Roger could already hear an excuse coming. ‘I don’t feel like being in a bar. I’m sorry, but another time.’

‘So let’s go to my place then. A quiet night in, how does that sound?’ The genuine smile on John’s face brought one on his. 

‘It sounds nice.’

And so, about a half an hour later, they found themselves in Roger’s London apartment. 

‘Sorry for the mess,’ he apologized as he opened the door and motioned John to go in. Some of Rory’s toys and books were spread all across the living room floor.

‘Don’t forget I used to live with you,’ John replied ‘So this is nothing new.’

Roger gasped as if he was offended. ‘Are you calling me messy?’

John just shrugged as he made his way to the kitchen. ‘Do you have food in here or should we buy something?’ He was now looking inside his fridge.

‘I have frozen pizza.’

John pursed his lips. ‘Mmmm. yeah, that could work,’ he took it out and started preparing everything as if he was in his own kitchen. 

Roger sat down at the table and watched him move. He remembered the first weeks after John had moved in with them. How shy he had been and how he had moved around the house like he was still just another guest, asking if it was alright if he grabbed another egg or if he went to shower at a certain moment because he didn’t want to be an inconvenience. Thank God, he soon had left that attitude behind and realized he was as much a part of the household as the other three.

And now he liked to see John making himself at home, not asking for permission and just going for it. It was silly but he knew it meant John felt comfortable there.

At first Roger did an intentional effort to distract John. He talked about the last book he read, the last movie he saw. But conversation between them had always been easy. So not talking about the recent news wasn’t hard. They talked about politics, music, John told him about the stuff he had been working on in his free time. He still liked to spend time tinkering with electronics and those sort of things the blond couldn’t understand. 

They just about covered every topic possible, jumping from one to another, except family. Well, they did talk a lot about their kids, Roger wondered if his eyes also had that special shine John’s had everytime he told a story about his children.

He had never seen himself as a father when he was younger. He didn’t think it would come as natural as it came for John but in his humble opinion, he had been doing pretty good.

John was telling him between laughs about a time Laura almost had shaved Joshua’s hair when he stopped mid sentence and squeezed his eyes.

‘Is that…?’ He squinted a bit harder and a sly smile started to appear on his face ‘Roger Taylor, is that Phil Collins’ latest record I see?’

‘Why do you sound so surprised? Yes, I do have Phil Collins’ latest record and that’s… why are you looking at me like that?’

‘Because, you know, that record has-’ he looked around the room before leaning in as nobody should hear what he was about to say, and whispered, ‘- synthesisers.’

‘SO!? Am I not allowed to listen to music that has bloody synthesisers?’

‘I thought you said they were the worst thing-’

‘That’s because you and Freddie were OBSESSED with using-’

‘We weren’t obsessed, you were being dramatic as alwa-’

‘When have I EVER been dramat-?’

This time John didn’t have to talk over him for him to not finish his sentence. They held each others gazes for a moment before bursting out laughing. 

Maybe he had been a tat dramatic a few times.

Silence fell over them as they slowly began to calm down. The blond took a sip of his whiskey and the brunet followed. He made himself more comfortable on the sofa and looked through the window. It was a Tuesday night and even though the city was quiet, he could still make out the sounds of cars passing by.

‘Thank you for tonight.’

He turned his head to John when he heard him speak. His voice was quiet, more than usual and he was looking to the glass he was holding over his lap. 

‘There’s no need to say thank you. It’s not like I did you a favour or anything.’

John looked up at that with a knowing look. ‘I know you wanted to make me feel better, to distract me from what’s going on in my life. Earlier I said I didn’t want to talk about it and you didn’t mention Veronica during this whole night- during this whole day, actually and I really appreciate that.’

Roger pressed his lips together. ‘Again, don’t say it as if I did you a favour or something like that. Believe it or not, after all these years, I still like you and genuinely enjoy your company. I mean, if I hung out with you after that ridiculous perm, then you know it’s real, ’ he teased and had the desired effect on John who chuckled.

‘Yeah, I know. I know you didn’t invite me here out of pity but still… thanks.’

The blond gave him a squeeze to his shoulder and left his hand there.

‘You know you can… talk to me and even if you don’t want to actually talk you can come to me if you need a helping hand or just, you know- I’m here for you, that’s what I am saying.’

John nodded with a small smile but not looking at him again. ‘I know, Rog.’

The blond felt the other tense a bit under the touch of his hand. He saw him squeeze his eyes shut and take a deep breath before speaking again. 

‘It’s not as bad as it sounds. I am actually pretty okay, given the whole… situation.’ He cleared his throat before continuing, ‘It was mutual, you know. There was no fighting, no yelling. There was a bit of crying on both sides but- it was fine. It’s the right thing to do even if it hurts.’ He let out an empty laugh. ‘And it hurts.’

The blond didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say to make it better anyways.

‘And then there’s the kids. They are staying with her. I’ll be seeing them, obviously, but it won’t be the same.’ He could hear John’s pain in his voice and Roger had to do his best effort not to wrap his arms around him. ‘And it’s not like I don’t- I still love Ronnie. I do, I really do.’ It seemed he was saying that more to himself than to Roger. 

‘If you do still love her then-’

‘I couldn’t keep pretending,’ he cut him off.

‘How could you be pretending if you just said you still love her?’ 

John looked at the ceiling and bit his lip before speaking again, his voice a bit shaky.

‘You know what I’m talking about, Roger.’

The air around them felt heavy now, or was it the heaviness of John’s words he felt? Like a hand was pressing on his chest.

John didn’t have to spell it out for him but he still did. 

‘We’ve been touring together for what? Sixteen? Eighteen years more or less? How many times did you see me take a woman back to the hotel?’

John paused then but Roger didn’t answer him. Maybe 4 or 5 times during the early years, he thought.

John leaned his head back to rest his head on the sofa, and closed his eyes before speaking again, ‘And how many times did you see me take a man?’ 

Realization hit him. 

The blond bit his lower lip. A lot more than 4 or 5.

‘One day I was at Freddie’s and he commented something along the lines of me being like him.’ He swallowed. ‘I yelled at him.’ His face was now covered by his hands. ‘I apologized right after and he made as if nothing had happened.

It came to the point when I started having anxiety attacks, I was angry all the time, I didn’t want to see Ronnie, I avoided her,’ he let out another empty laugh. ‘I was convincing myself that there was nothing wrong but of course there was.

Then Freddie visited, Ronnie had spoken with him because she was worried. We- we talked for a long time. That day and some days after. He helped me a lot to come to terms with me being- ah- with me being gay. And it became more than clear that if everything kept being the same, it wouldn’t be fair to Veronica or to me. 

She was more than comprehensive. I really hope she finds someone who deserves her. 

So yeah- that’s- that’s the story.’

He was still avoiding Roger’s eyes.

Roger for his part was processing everything his old friend had just said. 

Was he surprised? A bit maybe, but more than anything he was upset for not knowing John was struggling this bad. Everyone experimented a bit while on tour, but John had always had Ronnie… 

John finally set his eyes on his after taking a deep breath. He could see uncertainty in them along with… embarrassment? No. John wasn’t embarrassed. A bit scared maybe? Scared of what Roger might say or think? 

‘Thank you for trusting and telling me,’ he said in hopes of easing his friend. He was being honest, though. It made him happy that John could trust him enough to talk about something as big as this with him. He knew it seemed unnecessary to address it outloud but he still did. ‘And you know, this is okay and nothing will change between us, right?’ 

John let out another shaky breath while he nodded. 

‘Of course you would take it this well, I don’t know what I was thinking about,’ he murmured with a small smile

‘What? Did you think I would get mad? You know I only get mad when you insist on taping my drums,’ he joked trying to make him laugh. 

The brunet chuckled as he rubbed his eyes.

In return, Roger rubbed his back in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.

‘Want to see a movie? I rented ‘The Elephant Man’. Have you seen it?’ He didn’t wait for John’s response and was already on his feet searching for the tape.

John nodded with a relieved and content smile, his eyes following Roger’s movements. ‘I have. But I don’t mind seeing it again.’ He really couldn’t ask for better friends, he thought.

The first thing Roger noticed when he woke up the next morning was that his lower back was aching. The second one was that he was not on his comfortable bed but instead on his not so comfortable sofa. 

He tried stretching his legs but as he did the ache on his back intensified a bit. 

He groaned.

And- he heard someone groan back.

His heart stopped for a moment until his mind put two and two together and realized he and John had fallen asleep while watching the movie last night.

He opened his eyes slowly, getting used to the first light of the day, to find his friend in the process of waking up too, over the other side of the sofa. He opened his mouth to say something but a yawn took over him.

‘Good morning to you too,’ the brunet mumbled.

‘I am not young enough to spend a night on a couch.’ 

‘That’s a nice way of saying you are too old for it.’

He stopped rubbing his eyes and looked at him.

‘What?’ John asked with a smirk.

Roger didn’t respond. John was right, he’d been starting to feel the weight of his years despite not wanting to. He couldn’t party for as long or as hard as he used to, not that he wanted to but he knew, for example, he wouldn’t be able to handle one of Freddie’s parties till the end of it. And now apparently his back needed extra comfort during the night.

Roger wasn’t as scared of aging as he once had been. During his teenage years the thought of being 30 freaked him out. And then the mere thought of being 40 made his heartbeat speed (not in a good way). He was afraid of all the parties, the alcohol, the sex running out when he hit that age. 

And they did, to a certain extent, but he hadn’t cried about that loss. He had his mind set on other things, taking more joy out of other activities. He had began to form a family, against everyone’s expectations; including his. 

One day, he even realized he didn’t care much about his new white hairs or his more prominent belly or more rounded face. Not that he didn’t care about his appearance anymore but it didn’t keep him awake at night. He was comfortable with himself and with the way his life was going.

Of course he still wasn’t comfortable with some thoughts like, what was he going to do when he turned 60 and couldn’t play anymore because he was too old?

He wondered if John had the same thoughts. The bassist had always been someone who enjoyed more the quiet part of being a rockstar, if there was any, and he guessed he wasn’t missing the party aspect that much. 

He looked at him more closely. John himself had began to show signs of his age a few months ago. The sides of his head were turning grey and the wrinkles around his eyes were more notorious, especially when he smiled. 

But it only made him more endearing. 

He wasn’t that shy, innocent, long haired nineteen year old boy anymore. He was a man. And when looking into those grey eyes you could see there was much more experiences he carried with him; good and bad.

‘I- ah - I’m going to make breakfast’ John stated as he stretched his arms above his head before getting up and doing it again. Roger’s eyes following John’s movements. He laid down, more comfortably now, and watched him as he prepared their breakfast in content silence.

He could not be more excited for the weeks ahead of him.

‘You came more prepared than I’ve thought’ Roger commented as he poured some wine on his and John’s glasses. 

‘Thank you?’

Roger shook his head ‘Oh, no. I mean it in a good way. Not that you normally aren’t prepared… just that, you know. You brought so many ideas and it’s just the third day.’

John smiled ‘Yeah well, I had a lot of free time and I’ve been… inspired, you could say’

‘Yeah? That’s amazing! The line you played today was cool so I can’t wait to listen to the rest,’ he paused, a playful smile appearing on his face ‘unless it’s disco, you know.’

John groaned and glared at him and he just laughed having obtained the reaction he’d wanted. ‘They were not, but I may be changing my mind about some of them’

It was Roger’s time to groan and John’s to chuckle. 

It had been their third day back at the studio and everything seemed to be going surprisingly smooth. Of course they were older and more grounded so that helped. Yesterday had been Freddie’s day where he showed them some of the ideas he had, and today it had been John’s. Roger shouldn’t have been so surprised when he heard some of his ideas. He knew John was a great lyricist and even a better bass player, even if sometimes he didn’t absolutely love them. 

‘What about you?’ John inquired ‘Are you going to show us some of your ideas tomorrow? I’ve seen you taking your notebook out these days but you haven’t said anything which, don’t take it the bad way, is strange coming from you’

The blonde smiled around his mouthful of pasta.

‘I actually have some ideas, yes. And I think you are going to like them,’ he assured him confidently. John raised an eyebrow. ‘At least for one of them I have a great bass line in mind. Something like ‘dundundun dundun dun’ he hummed while playing some (great) air bass.

‘That’s exactly how the bass sounds, Rog, thank you.’ They laughed.

John kept going back to his place for dinner and he honestly couldn't complain. Falling asleep on the couch while watching a film was also becoming a habit. It was no secret he enjoyed his company but these days had been different. He somehow felt they were back in their teens, sharing an apartment, finding their way through life and music, making each other laugh by being silly while at the same time managing to have some deep conversations.

And it was a strange experience. Feeling that he was at that place but knowing he was a very different person.

Although, it shouldn’t be so strange, he thought to himself. John had always managed to make him feel at home wherever he was. And lately more than ever.

‘So, what’s on tonight? Another sci-fi, a drama, another Lynch-’ Roger stopped himself and instantly smiled when he heard Under Pressure come up in the radio- or what at first sounded like their song. Wait. No. ‘Is that… was that your fucking bass line/riff?’ 

John just shrugged as he sat down in front of the tv. ‘Yeah, I’m pretty sure it is’ 

Roger was still with his mouth opened in shook, what the hell? ‘Why are you so calm? Someone just fucking stole your riff! Some stupid rapper just stole your brilliant bass riff! You should be more angry!’

‘I think you are getting angry for the both of us’

‘Well- yeah! We should tell Miami, put a fucking lawsuit on them or something’

‘He is already in the known and is taking care of it, don’t stress too much’

Roger opened his mouth as if to say something else but didn’t

‘Brian heard the song last week and let me and Miami know. Although Freddie doesn’t know, but I think that’s for the best.’

‘I would be scared for that rapper’s life if he did’

John chuckled ‘Yes, exactly.’

‘Not as scared as I was for Bowie when he touched your bass, though.’ he grinned

The brunet let out a snort. ‘You would have reacted the same way if it had been your drums.’

‘It was  _ Bowie _ , John, fucking David Bowie! I still can’t believe we got to work with him. Mind you, it wasn’t a walk in the park but it was so interesting, wasn’t it?’

John hummed in agreement. ‘You know-’ he bit his lower lip in attempts of containing a smile. ‘He- I know for a fact that he was pretty interested in you.’ he finally looked at him and Roger couldn’t quite understand his expression. He frowned. Was he mocking him? Had Bowie hated working with him? But they had all gone to dinner and some parties after their sessions and they seemed to get along well… ‘What do you mean by that?’

‘You know the effect you have on women… and men’ John sounded far too amused.

‘I-’ The penny dropped. ‘Oh’ His mind went blank for a bit and John burst out laughing again, that made him frown. ‘Were you taking the piss?

‘No no, a hundred percent real but- but your face! Do you really find that difficult to believe?’

‘I-’ he really was out of words ‘It’s Bowie for God’s sake!’ 

‘I know, you should be flattered’ 

He was. David Bowie? Interested in him? Well. Shit. He allowed himself to imagine the ‘what if’s‘ of that. They all seemed...fun. He smiled to himself. ‘Can you imagine?’ he said more to himself than to John’

‘I mean I can but I’m not sure you’d want me to.’ that earned him a scowl.

‘Anyways, how do you know that? Who told you?’

‘David Bowie himself.’

Roger was gaping at him now. ‘And- why didn’t you tell me?’ 

The bass player giggled. ‘It was the last night before he went away and I didn’t think of rushing to tell you considering the fact that we were both naked in bed when he mentioned it.’

Roger gasped. ‘What!?’ 

John just started laughing his head off. ‘It was just a night... or two.’

‘John Richard Deacon… I didn’t know you were a slut.’

This just made him laugh even harder. 

‘When did it- like why? how did it happen?’ The drummer was still in a bit of a shock.

‘Well, one: the first time was after we finished composing Under Pressure, two: because we quite fancied each other, as to how it happened, you see, we first needed to get undress-’

‘Stop being such a tease! You know what I mean!’ 

‘What can I say? It just sort of… happened. Kiss here, kiss there. Touch here, touch there.’ he was looking at the floor now but he seemed to have his attention elsewhere. Roger felt a pinch of jealousy but quickly dismissed it.

‘So… did you fuck him or did he fuck you?’ he asked with a smirk.

It was John’s turn to gasp. Despite the colour on his cheeks, the smile on his face indicated he wasn’t offended by the question. ‘I-’ he closed his mouth and didn’t reply immediately ‘A boy does not kiss and tell, Roger.’

‘You sound like Freddie.’

John shrugged again before taking another sip of his wine.

Roger couldn’t help but stare at him as he brought the glass to his lips at took a sip. He also couldn't help but stare when he licked his lips after it. 

John had slept with Bowie. Holy fuck. And he hadn’t even noticed it. Of course at that time he was more involved in his adventures than other people’s but… it was John. He couldn’t blame him, to be honest, just moments before he himself was starting to fantasize with Bowie. The man had been and still was attractive. And everything about him just screamed sex. The way he walked, the way he talked- Christ, what a gorgeous voice he had. 

And then there was John. He might not be the definition of sex on legs for most people but he sure as hell was attractive and just had... a way about him. Also, during those years he had cut his hair in a way that truly flattered his  _ already  _ handsome fractions, he had always worn tight pants that did nothing but good things to his arse but he too started to change his style and overall seemed more confident in himself. Even  _ Dominique  _ had made a comment or two about it.

Roger was never one to shy away from looking to people he found attractive. Mind you, he had never really considered the idea of dating another man but he sure as hell had looked and had had his fair share of fun with them. Despite of what his father had tried to teach him when he was a kid, he’d never found it strange or immoral for a man to fancy another man. What did it matter? They were all people after all. Moreover, why should you limit yourself if one didn’t want to?

In the end, they didn’t watch any movie, in favour of discussing their picks for best 1987 album. This time managing to stay up enough for John to grab his things and go back to his place. Roger barely managed to brush his teeth before he crashed on his bed. Feeling the weight of the day’s activities and of all the wine he had taken. It didn’t take much for sleep to find him.

When Roger walked into the studio, a few days later, he wasn’t expecting to see anybody in yet. It was 7am after all, he wasn’t so sure what the hell he himself was doing there so damn early. That’s why he was surprised to find Freddie and John leaned over the table. They were both taking turns to scribble on a piece of paper that was being passed from John to Freddie and from Freddie to John, back and forth. 

‘What are you early birds working on?’ he asked to immediately be shushed by Freddie. 

Roger opened his mouth to bite back but John was quicker and hit Freddie softly with the back of his hand. ‘Don’t be so rude’ now he directed his attention to him ‘It’s the miracle song’ John explained. ‘Remember how we only got the chorus and the chore structure?’ Roger nodded and John chuckled, ‘Well, now we almost have the rest too. Also… did you get a haircut?’

‘Yeah, but it was just a trim.’

‘Looks good. Although, probably everything looks good on you.’

‘Come on, John, focus! You can flirt later.’

Roger’s heart skipped a beat and he felt all his blood rush to his face. It was a good thing Freddie didn’t take his eyes off the paper because he would have seen a very blushed bass player and a very red drummer.

As both his friends continued discussing their new song, Roger decided to get a cup of coffee, he hadn’t had breakfast yet, so coffee sounded great.

Yeah, drink coffee, that would make your heart stop racing like crazy. His inner voice provided. But why was his heart racing like crazy? It was not unusual for them to compliment each other, so why was he like this? Maybe it was Freddie’s remark… was John really flirting? No, impossible. Freddie was just being silly. Although… it had felt a bit like flirting. 

His heart started to race again to that thought. No, he was being silly too. 

The last few days had found John and Roger being closer than usual, it wasn’t so out of character for them, after all being the youngest had allowed them to be as silly as they wanted to, to bond and have their own little private jokes. That hadn’t changed much after all these years. Roger would like to think their humor had just got a little bit more sophisticated but who was he kidding? He still loved to make dick jokes. 

These days had consisted in Roger trying to make John laugh at every chance he got, be that by mimicking Brian after he had said something that had made John roll his eyes, making sarcastic comments with no bite behind, just to be funny, even making silly faces.

And he was succeeding, there was even a moment in which John had been drinking at the exact moment Roger delivered one of his (in his opinion hilarious) joke and the result was spilled coffee on John’s shirt and him almost choking because he couldn’t contain his laughter.

Roger’s heart got warmer each time he saw that tooth-gaped smile.

But anyways, that wasn’t flirting, it was just him trying to make his best mate feel better. It was the same as with the little touches. Queen in general had never had a problem with being physical with each other, like… personal space almost never existed between them. So it wasn’t out of the ordinary when Roger gave John’s back a small comfort rub or when John jokingly messed up Roger’s hair.

That was not flirting either.

He got back to where his friends were and sat down to listen to them discuss the lyrics and to throw a few of his ideas for the song too.

The rest of the day went as usual. He wasn’t too fond of this miracle song but he had to admit that it was turning to be an incredible complex track. Of course, it was not the moment to voice his opinion, not with John and Freddie being as excited as they were with it. 

Without realizing it, he began gazing at John again. He felt something on his stomach when he laughed at something Brian had said and he himself smiled too. 

‘Do you want to show us any of your ideas Roger?’ He heard Freddie ask behind him. He turned around to see him wearing a sly smile. 

‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ he asked confused. 

‘Are you enjoying the view?’ his friend bit back and Roger made a point of rolling his eyes and trying his best not to blush like a bloody teenager.

‘What are you getting at, Fred?’

He gasped, resting a hand on his heart ‘I’m just asking if you want to show your songs today or tomorrow, dear, that’s all.’

The blond squeezed his eyes not convinced by the response ‘Okay… probably tomorrow, I’m a bit tired today.’

‘Okay, then it’s a wrap for today people!’ he addressed the rest now.

Everyone started to grab their belongings and put on their coats saying their goodbyes as they walked out. Roger had to hurry a little to catch up with John outside. 

‘Hey.’ he touched his arm.

He tried to ignore they way his heart raced again when John turned around and smiled when he saw it was Roger. ‘What’s up, Rog?’ 

‘I- uhm- I rented another movie, if you are up to. I- I don’t remember the title but the guy in the store said it was a great sci-fi, one that everyone should watch.’

John bit his lower lip and smiled apologetically. ‘Oh, maybe another time. I’m going out with Fred tonight.’

‘Yes! It’s a very important appointment,’ Freddie added as he wrapped his arms around John’s shoulders from behind. ‘This handsome man is in the market again and everyone should know.’ 

‘Don’t start with that Freddie,’ John almost whined ‘We are just going to drink a little bit maybe dance a little bit.’

‘Kiss a little bit,’ Freddie added making John sigh.

Roger tried to swallow the nock in his throat ‘Oh.. sure, yeah! I get it.’ he tried to put on his best smile ‘We can watch it another day! Have fun!’ he rushed to his car and got in.

Why the hell was he feeling like this?

He put his hands on the wheel and close his eyes. He took a big breath, letting all the air out before opening them again. What the actual fuck? He breathed in and out a little more before reassuring himself that whatever this was, it was going to go away. He had always been protective of John and close with him. So maybe that was it. Knowing his friend had gone and probably was still going through a difficult phase made him want to be there to make it better. He hated the fact that he had definitely not been there for the roughest part. And he hated even more the thought that he was not doing enough now.

Maybe he needed to cut himself some slack.

When Brian came into the studio the next morning he was not expecting to find a very grumpy Roger Taylor already there.

‘Are you falling off the bed too early, Rog?’ he said as a greeting.

Roger just limited himself to glare at the guitarist.

‘Okay.’ he put his arms up in surrender. ‘Not in a great mood. I get it.’

‘I just didn’t sleep that well. That’s all. I probably had too much coffee yesterday.’ he shrugged. ‘What are you doing here so early, anyways?’

‘Uhh- I just thought that since the other two went out last night and probably won’t be here on time I might as well come and make the most out of those hours to work on some chords.’

‘Oh, for which of the song you’ve shown us?’

‘I haven’t shown you this one yet, but I got the idea from one of my solo’s from the Magic Tour.’

‘Oh?’ Roger was curious

‘Yeah, it’s not just a guitar solo, but I was thinking it could be an instrumental piece.’

Brian continued talking about his new piece as each got their instruments prepared. They must have spent 3 hours without a break just going back and forth with ideas and making little changes to the music they were playing. At one point they both agreed it was enough for that moment and decided to go out for a walk.

‘So how are Dominique and the kids?’ Brian asked

‘Good. We are actually going to spend Sunday together. Might take the kids somewhere fun, we haven’t decided yet.’

‘Oh!’ Brian sounded surprised ‘So you are getting along well I see.’

‘Yeah, it’s not like I’ve ever hated her or something, it just… we just agreed it wasn’t working anymore but I still adore her. And I obviously love the kids,’ he said smiling. He looked up and noted Brian was wearing a small smile too. 

‘That’s good, Rog. I’m happy to hear that.’ he paused and pursed his lips before speaking again ‘I wish Chrissie and I had broken up in better terms.’

‘I’m sure you’ll get there eventually. Like, you have to give it some time but everything will work out. The fact that my break up wasn’t messy doesn’t mean it was all rose-colored. But if you put the effort in, you’ll get through this shitty moment.’ Brian sighed.

‘I hope so,’ he mumbled 

‘Also, very important thing to keep in mind. Own up to your mistakes.’ 

Brian scoffed ‘That’s rich coming from you,’ he commented but without any bitterness in his voice.

Roger chuckled ‘Yeah well, is a pretty new lesson I’m trying to learn too.’

‘Is John trying to learn that lesson too.’

That caught Roger but surprised ‘I- uhm..’

‘It’s alright, you don’t have to tell me. I’ll wait for when he is ready to let me know. It’s just… him and Veronica really seemed like the perfect couple. I’d always been envious of what they had. John always seemed to fit in so well within the domestic life. It was a bit of a shock.’ He tilted his head’ ‘Although, I feel like the weirdest part was seeing John so… fine with everything’

Roger agreed ‘Yeah, that threw me off a bit too. But he really seems fine. He’s not faking it which I think we should be happy about.’ 

‘Oh, definitely! It was just shocking.’

What was most shocking to Roger was the incredibly  _ noticeable  _ hickey John was wearing on his neck. The bastard wasn’t even trying to hide it. Well, Roger told himself, it seemed like there had been a little bit of kissing too.

Roger bit his lower lip and tried to ignore the knot forming in his throat. John was single, and a grown-ass man, he could fool around if he wanted. Why was he being so affected by it? 

Roger didn’t have the time to make any remarks about it because as soon as him and Brian set a foot inside the studio Freddie rushed them to take their instruments and help him with a new idea he came up. During the rest of the day, Roger found it hard to take his eyes away from John, even though he was trying his best  _ not to  _ because it made him fucking mad, he still did. It was nonsense, he should be happy for his friend.

‘So, had fun last night?’ Roger forced himself to ask with a tight tone’

John looked up from where he was playing with an amp ‘Yeah, nothing too special. Probably won’t do it again in a while but you know Freddie, you can never have a bad time with him by your side.’ 

‘Although he found somebody else to have by his side who made him have a good time too,’ Freddie added teasingly, earning himself a glare from the bass player. Who was still smiling anyways.

Roger forced himself to laugh at the joke but he clearly wasn’t good enough at pretending because John looked at him with a confused frown.

‘I am-’ he cleared his throat,’ ‘I’m glad you had fun. You deserve it.’

John gave him a small smile and a nod in return. 

He didn’t even bother to say goodbye that day.

_ He could hear them panting next to his ear. They were both getting close. He buried his face on the other’s neck and grabbed them by hip to thrust faster until he found what he was looking for. His orgasm was strong and left him breathing heavily. He soon felt a soft hand stroking his back and then brushing his hair. He let out a breath. He was exhausted but content. _

_ ‘That was amazing’ he mumbled already sleepy _

_ The other person hummed ‘It was’ Roger’s heart stopped when he heard that voice. _

_ He slowly moved his head and slowly looked up only to find his favourite bass player’s face. _

Roger woke up with a jolt.  _ Shit shit shit.  _

He was fucked.


	2. BREAKTRU

Roger was not avoiding going to the studio the next morning. He wasn’t. No. He was just taking his time and enjoying his breakfast.

  
At least that’s what he told himself as he took another small bite of the remaining piece of toast.

  
He made a deal with himself to pretend nothing had happened. To pretend he really did not dream of fucking one of his closest friends.

  
One of his closest friends who had just split up with his teenage sweetheart.

  
One of his closest friends who had just split up with his teenage sweetheart and now was apparently kinda openly fooling around with men.

  
One of his closest friends who had just split up with his teenage sweetheart, who was now apparently kinda openly fooling around with men and who Roger had had a massive crush on when they were younger.

  
Maybe that was the reason for his dream? Maybe it was an unsolved issue he had since the early years? After all, he had not always been great at processing his feelings, opting for the ‘bottle everything up until it goes away or it explodes in your face’ option.

  
Roger worried his lower lip.

  
Maybe it was just that. Maybe his dream didn’t mean anything.

  
However, the needles he felt in his chest yesterday had been pretty similar to the ones he felt when John introduced Veronica. Or when he presented the band You’re my Best Friend, the most utterly sickening yet (and this was difficult to admit) beautiful song. Everything was coming back to the drummer in an overwhelming way. He felt like when he was a kid and ventured into the sea, further and further away from the coast and he saw an enormous wave coming his way seconds before it crashed against him.

  
He was not a teenager anymore, he should not be feeling so… worried and sad and anxious and… heartbroken. But it was also true that he tended to be a tad dramatic, so his head and heart might be making things seem things worse than they really were.

  
He looked at the clock with a sigh. If he didn’t get going he would get his arse kicked.

He felt his throat tighten as John greeted him with a hug and was only able to nod in response when he pulled away.

  
Was that- was that a fucking beard-burn John had on his neck!? He tried to act normal, he really did. He tried to put on a smile and pretend as if nothing was bothering him but as soon as he saw those marks on his friend his facade dropped.

  
And everyone seemed to notice.

The rest of the day consisted of him trying very hard to breath normally, going out for far too many breaks and almost not participating at all in the discussions. He knew that if he were to open his mouth he might regret it later. If the years had given him something it was the ability to know when to let his emotions get loose and when not to. Or better said, not be such a hot headed person. So he opted to stay as quiet as possible and focus on his drumming.

What apparently the years did not give to him was the ability to act because before leaving he was being pulled by Freddie to a more private place: the bathroom. And he already knew what this was about.

‘I know,’ he mumbled, rolling his eyes as Freddie closed the door behind him. ‘I’m not in my best mood but I think I am allowed to and it’s safe to say that I’ve been a pretty good boy today. Didn’t pick up any fight, didn’t-’

‘Is this about John?’ Freddie interrupted very seriously. He proceeded to raise his eyebrows encouraging Roger to speak when he got no immediate response. But all he could do was gape at him.

Although he shouldn't be so surprised since this was Freddie, he had hit the nail right on the head in the first try.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I know you are a bottled blond bitch but you are not a dumb one so cut the crap.’ Roger felt himself get tense.

‘I’m just worried about him. I know he is over his divorce and is not precisely going through a bad time but I’m worried he is… I don’t know…’

‘Having some fun?’ Freddie provided

He shook his head ‘No, no. That he is… I don’t know how to explain it, Fred. Of course he is allowed to have fun.’

‘If the fun is being had with you?’ he teased and Roger’s face started to heat up. He was almost forty and was blushing like a bloody teenager again.

‘Of course not! I mean, if he wants to have fun with me that’s great! We can watch a movie and discus it, we can race some cars, we can-’ Freddie’s laugh cut his words. ‘What is so funny!?’

Freddie put his hand over his mouth trying to muffle the sound until he managed to stop laughing. ‘Roger, darling, no need to glare at me like that, and no reason to lie!’

‘Okay!’ Roger took a deep breath. ‘What do you want me to tell you? That I woke up wood hard because I had a bloody wet dream that involved John and I having some fun?’ He said low and fast between gritted teeth.

That comment did the impossible. It shutted Freddie up. He was with his eyes and mouth wide open but he could see a smile taking forming on his face. ‘Oh shit, Rog. How did this happen?’

The blond shrugged ‘I have no fucking clue.’

‘Well.. are you going to do something about it?’

Roger let out a sound that was neither a laugh or a snort but something in between. ‘What am I supposed to do? Besides, this is probably a combination of that unresolved crush I had as a teenager and the fact that I haven’t been with anyone for a while.’ Roger let his back slide against the wall until he reached the floor.

Freddie followed and sat in front of him without saying a word.

‘You say teenage crush but when we were filming ‘Hammer to Fall’ you could not take his eyes off of him.’

Roger whined and rubbed his eyes. He was not going to deny that John was attractive, was that his fault?

He felt Freddie get closer and confirmed it when arms were suddenly wrapping him in a hug.

  
‘So I don’t know how serious this is. To be completely honest I was just taking the piss and trying to be dramatic-’ at this Roger looked at him with narrowed eyes ‘I know, I know. But you know how I love a little drama. Anyways, I know these kind of situations activate your fly or fight mode, and again, let’s be honest, you tend to fly but please don’t do that this time.’

  
Roger sighed, defeated, and rested the back of his head against the wall. ‘I feel like you are making a big deal out of this, Fred.’

  
‘Maybe it’s not a big deal, yes, but shouldn’t put it in a little box inside of you and pretend like it’s not there. I’m not saying you should go out, right now, and put your tongue inside of his mouth- don’t look at me like that as if that’s not what you want to do!’

Roger gave him a small smile.

‘What I’m saying is that you should at least try to let things flow, see where this “new” feelings go, okay?’

Roger nodded

‘Okay, great! Forty years and I still have to give you love advice, unbelievable.’ At that Roger punched him jokingly in the arm.

‘Thanks Fred.’

‘Is everything alright?’ Brian asked, clearly worried, as soon as they joined the rest again.

‘Yes, dear, Roger here was not feeling so good for a moment but the moment has passed now.’

‘Oh! Okay. Then I better be going, but let me know if you need anything.’ he said as he was hugging Roger goodbye.

Once their friend had left, Freddie turned to him’ ‘I better be going too, but remember what we talked about, okay?’ and with a kiss on his cheek he left the building too.

He began to grab his stuff when he felt a hand on his shoulder that made him turn around with a jolt.

‘Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to frighten you.’  
Roger didn’t have time to respond because he burst out laughing. ‘What is up with the hat, cowboy?’

At that the bass player’s face turned red.

‘I don’t know, I just thought it would be nice. And you, of all people, should not be judging my choice of wardrobe!’  
Roger paid no mind to that comment and continued teasing John ‘Are you changing careers? You even have one of these little… whatever this necklace is called,’ Roger continued as he played with said cowboy necklace.

‘Roger, come on.’

‘I gotta say, I didn’t think much of it when I saw it today but now with the hat, I get it, you want to be a cowboy. Good for you!’

John let out an exasperated sigh as he got hold of the blond’s hands to take them away from the necklace. Roger heart stopped for a moment as he realized how close they were.

He cleared his throat to speak but John beat him to it.

‘How about a game of scrabble?’

Roger frowned a bit confused.

‘Like, how about we have a nice quiet night in and we play a game of scrabble,’ John clarified ‘It’s been a bit since I last played.’

Roger tried not to smile as if he had just been given a gift he had always wanted.

‘Sounds great, yeah. Want to follow me with your car?’

John nodded and that was it. In no time they were at Roger’s apartment finishing their pasta while playing some scrabble.

Hard to admit it but John was better than he remembered him to be and he was kind of kicking his arse.

The radio was playing in the background as he thought of his next move.

‘Oh!’ He heard John said and saw him with a big smile on his face when he looked up.

‘What?’

‘Roger! That’s your favourite song!’

The blond narrowed his eyes and tried to listen carefully… oh you have to be- Dancing Queen?

  
‘Come on! Get up!’ John was now trying to get Roger to stand up and eventually managed to.

  
Roger took a deep breath and try not to think much of the shiver that ran through his spine or the ache of his stomach as John grabbed his hands and pulled him closer to dance.

  
‘I’m too old to dance ABBA, John.’

  
‘You have never really danced to ABBA,’ John commented as he made him turn around. ‘But you are never too old to be- the dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen!’ Please God give him strength not to kiss that man right now and right there.

  
He decided not to fight it and give in to John’s desire. The song was almost over so it wasn’t that bad.

  
John continued to smile and sing now and then as Roger swinged him. Not gonna lie… it was extremely sweet and fun. He was a bit breathless and his face ached from smiling.

  
When the song ended he was yearning for a smoke so he went to the balcony and John followed him. Maybe he was not yearning for a smoke so much as he was yearning to keep his mouth and fingers occupied.

  
They both sat on the hammock he had recently bought, facing the street. For a while neither whispered a word. They limited themselves to take turns and enjoy the cigarette Roger had lit.

  
‘You know, I kissed Brian.’

  
To his amusement John almost choked from the shock. ‘WHAT? WHEN?’

  
Roger started laughing uncontrollably. He didn’t know where that thought had come from but the reaction he got was better than expected.

  
‘Answer me, Roger!’ John insisted as he playfully pinched Roger’s side, which did not help with the laughter. ‘Rog!’

  
‘Not recently. Once, at a Freddie’s party.’ he clarified

  
‘Oh!’ realization washed over John ‘I remember…’ his smile turned into a grin

‘You know… Brian was not the only Queen member you kissed that night.’

  
Roger frowned. Okay, now he was confused ‘What? What do you mean Queen member? And how do you know we are talking about that night?’

John bit his lips, still wearing a smile.

‘I’m guessing you didn’t kiss Brian many other times… so if I’m correct it was Freddie’s ‘84 New Year’s party.’

  
Roger had to think about it a bit but yes, his friend was correct so he nodded. ‘I don’t remember kissing anybody else that night… aside from Dominique’

  
‘You kissed me,’ John said casually as he brought the cigarette to his mouth. Still. wearing. that. smile.

  
WHAT?

  
‘You said I had the softest lips,’ he added

  
WHAT?

  
Damn, Roger’s heart could not be beating faster.

  
John chuckled before explaining. ‘You had suddenly disappeared, no one knew where you had gone so I went looking for you too. You were- you were inside your car. And this is important. You were inside, crying because you could not find the keys to your car… which were inside your jacket pocket. When I took them out and shown them to you, your face lit up and out of nowhere you kissed me.’

_Where in the fucking world had he left his keys? HIS CAR KEYS!! He needed them to start his car and go home to his sweet sweet bed. He was not a child but he was tired. Roger Taylor needed some sleep, okay? There’s nothing to be ashamed about! He had just drank too much and- and- he really needed his car to go home!_

  
_He could feel the tears running through his face and that made him even more mad. That would not help! He hit the wheel and rested his head against it._

  
_‘Rog?’ he heard someone said._

  
_‘God?’ he replied and was met with laughter._

  
_‘Not really but thank you.’_

_He looked up to find his dearest and cleverest friend: ‘Deaks!’ he exclaimed as his friend got into the passenger sit._

_‘Mate, I can’t find my keys!! My car keys!!’ the tears re appeared ‘I really really want to go to sleep.’_

  
_John had his eyebrows in a frown and a small smile on his face ‘So… you can’t find your car keys?’ Roger nodded. ‘Then how did you get into the car.’_

  
_It was Roger’s time to frown. He opened his mouth to reply but he didn’t know what to say._

  
_Without another word John reached into the front pocket of his jacket and he took out..._

  
_‘MY KEYS’ Roger’s face started to hurt from how big he was smiling. ‘YOU CLEVER THING’ and in one second he grabbed John’s face by his sides and pulled him closer until their lips met._

  
_Wow… he really had… Roger pulled away and stroked John’s lower lip with his thumb._

_‘You have the softest lips,’ he commented before pressing their lips together again. This time he could feel John responding for a moment before he pushed him slowly away._

  
_‘Roger…’_

  
_‘I want to go to sleep, John.’ he pouted._

  
_‘Okay, let me find Dominique and you both can go home.’ He couldn’t help but notice that his friend’s eyes were set on his lips. But he could not think anymore of it because in a second John was out of the car. ‘And let her drive. You’re a mess.’_

‘Rog?’ John’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. He looked at him. John’s smile faltered a little bit when the blond didn’t say anything.  
If not now, when? Roger thought.

In a quick move he leant in but stopped just centimeters away from John’s lips.

He heard the brunet caught a breath but he didn’t move away.

He could hear them both breathing heavily. For Roger almost an hour went by where no one dared to make a move.

To be fair, it must have been seconds.

He looked up quickly and locked eyes with John. He was so fucking nervous. He could feel his hands getting fucking sweaty.

John’s eyes traveled south to his mouth before giving a subtle nod. That’s all he needed. With a finger on John’s chin, he brought him closer until their lips were touching. It was slow, careful, almost chaste. He didn’t want to rush it, he wanted to feel every moment. He was right. John had the softest lips. He smiled against them.

Suddenly he felt John grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and starting to kiss him desperately. Roger was shocked for a moment but his lips started to move before he could fully grasp what they were doing. A noise escaped from his mouth involuntarily and his friend took the opportunity to deepen their kiss. He could feel John’s tongue insistent against his and a hand gripping his hair. His own hands settled on the brunet’s waist, trying to bring him closer.

Pressing his eyes shut and with a sigh, Roger gave into the kiss.

More than he already had, that is.

He felt any small worries he had fade away. He was kissing John. His friend. His bandmate. Was it weird that it didn’t feel… well… weird? It felt right. He moved both his hands to John’s face and started laughing softly. He really had been wanting to do this since he was 21 and was just now getting on with it, huh?  
What an idiot.

  
‘What is so funny, blondie?’ John mumbled with a smile, which he knew was smug, against his lips.

  
That just caused more giggles to come out of him. ‘Shut up,’ he said in between short pecks. This whole thing was ridiculous.

  
‘Is this okay?’ He asked as he moved his lips to John’s neck. The burnet just nodded.

  
‘And this?’ He asked nibbling a bit harder. John nodded again. When Roger took one of his hands and pressed it against John’s shirt opening the laughter started to die. He tentatively started to open the rest of the buttons stroking the burnet’s skin.

‘And how about this?’ he mumbled as his mouth slid down John’s chest. He felt as his breath hitched when he reached his belt but he wasn’t able to get that far because in a second they were on the hammock and in the other they were both in the floor.

They bursted out laughing louder this time.

Roger was a gentleman. That might not be the first adjective to come to anyone’s mind when thinking about him but it made the cut. And as a gentleman, after making sure John was not hurt, he ensured he got into his car and went back home to rest. Not before treating him to some short but sweet pecks at the door.

  
The smile he was wearing since his lips touched John’s was not going anywhere. In fact he went to bed and woke up the next morning with it. He felt like an idiot. But a happy idiot. So he was not going to complain.

  
He was not surprised to see Brian already at the studio with his guitar, playing some chords and scribbling on a piece of paper. ‘Rog! Help me out here for a second. What do you think sounds best? This? Or this?’

  
Roger listened closely to both version of the riff, asking Bri to play again a certain part and giving his opinion. He was stopped mid-sentence when saw John come in through the door.

  
And there it was. He could feel it. That stupid smile on his face.

  
‘Morning John!’ Brian was first to say.

  
‘Morning,’ he replied and greeted them both with a pat on their back. Did John’s hand lingered on his for a bit longer or was he imagining stuff now?

  
Roger had to use all his willpower not to grab John and kiss him good morning. It took him a moment to realize not only no one was saying anything but that both Brian and John were with a confused smile, looking at him ... staring at John.

He couldn’t help being obvious, could he?

  
‘Did I not wash my face well enough?’

John asked playfully.

  
He chuckled.

  
‘You know, I think you’ve missed a few spots.. here.’ He pinched one of his cheeks making John giggle. ‘And here.’ He pinched his side. John giggled more.

Was it possible to love a sound so much?

  
When he finished teasing John he gave Brian a glance whose confused look was in the process of turning into a knowing one.

  
‘What did I miss?’ He heard Freddie’s voice

  
‘A lot, apparently,’ Brian replied without taking his eyes off them. A lovely red colour appeared on John’s face and he was sure on his too.

  
‘Okay, let’s get back to work! Shall we?’

Roger commented while grabbing his drumsticks. ‘I really want to finish working on the Invisible Man song!’

The song was coming along better and faster than expected. They decided to take a break before having lunch so Roger seized the opportunity. He grabbed John by one of his sleeves, as discreetly as he could, and encouraged him to follow him to the little backyard the studio had.

  
When they reached the place, despite all odds, Roger didn’t jump on John. He took a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it up. John watching his movements carefully.

He took a drag and as he was exhaling he moved his hand to John’s mouth, tapping softly his lips. John understood immediately and opened his lips, wrapping them around the cigarette butt, taking a drag himself.

  
They stayed like that for a while without saying a word. Roger could feel the weight of anticipation. Anticipation for what? Anything and everything.

  
At one point when he was putting the cigarette on John’s mouth he felt the burnet’s hand gently wrapping around his wrist. And in a second he was being pulled in for a kiss. Of course John tasted like Marlboro as Roger probably did. The kiss was short but sweet and John gave him two short pecks before pulling away with a smile.

  
‘Should we play a game of scrabble again today?’ He casually asked without taking his eyes off him.

  
Roger just nodded.

  
‘Good.” He brought Roger’s hand with the cigarette to his mouth and took a final drag before going inside.

Okay, but when John had mentioned scrabble Roger hadn’t really thought they would actually play scrabble. But there they were. Both sitting on the floor at opposite sides of the mini table with the board in the middle of them.

  
He said this to John outloud only to receive a laugh in response. ‘I just thought it would be best not to rush things, you know? Or at least to first talk this out.’

  
‘Talk this out?’ He frowned ‘What is there to talk about? I think you are pretty hot and you, I’m assuming, think I’m pretty nice too. It’s very simple.’

  
John narrowed his eyes as if judging him but the blush on his face betrayed him.

‘Roger…’ he got up and sat next to him.

‘You know what I mean… I’m not… we are not twenty anymore and as much I like to just have fun, well, you mean more to me than that, you know?’ The blond nodded. ‘I’m not asking for a ‘forever’ promise or anything but I want you to know if we were to, you know?’

He felt as John held both of his hands in his but couldn’t take his eyes away from the burnet’s. ‘Yeah, I think you are pretty hot and always have been but I also think the rest of the Taylor package is pretty neat too. You are one of the most intelligent, interesting and caring person I know. And if we were to jump into this? I want it to be for real.’

  
Roger had a knot in his throat that wasn’t letting him say what he wanted to say. But even if he could, he didn’t know if he would have the right words. It was like a most complicated and important game of scrabble, if you asked him.

  
‘I-’

  
‘If you need time to think about it, it’s more than fine. We both have families and on top of that we are in the same band. I know it’s complicated.’

  
All Roger could do was stare at John. He wished he could make his feelings known to John. Cause, mate, he had feelings.

He had had them for a long time and now they were all rushing into his heart like an avalanche but somehow, despite being known for always speaking his mind, sometimes without thinking much first, he was not able to turn his heart inside out and say the words to John.

  
‘Let’s jump into it, Deaks. For real.’ At that moment Roger wished he had photographic memory because he wanted to always remember the smile John gave him in that moment.

  
He was not sure how but in the next second he had a very enthusiastic John straddling him while grabbing his face and kissing him. Roger chuckled against his lips before getting hold of John’s hips, bringing him closer.

  
‘So ‘for real’ does not equal ‘not rushing’ right?’ Roger brushed his lips with John’s.  
‘I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, so no.’

  
‘Good,’ he mumbled before teasingly licking John’s lips with the tip of his tongue ‘Me too.’

  
‘Jesus,’ John let out a shaky breath.

  
‘Roger,’ he corrected him with a coy smile. He brought himself forward and pressed a tender kiss against John’s mouth. It was not what he initially intended to do but he couldn't help himself. He wanted to show John his feelings, his love. John’s hands moved and he wrapped his arms around his shoulder, Roger mirrored the movement and wrapped his around John’s waist, holding him close. Their kisses were slow and gentle, Roger worried the burnet’s lower lip before pulling away.

  
‘So what do you think we move this to the bedroom?’

  
John let out a snort that turned into a loud laugh.

  
‘What a- what a line!’ he said in between laughs. Roger was frowning, a little offended to be honest.

  
‘Why is it so funny?’

  
John brought both of his hands to his mouth, trying to contain the laughter.

  
‘Oi, fuck you!’

  
‘What here or in the bedroo- ah!’ John suddenly whined and grabbed his left calf.

  
‘What!? What happened?’

  
‘Ah- I… I got a cramp.’

  
It was Roger’s time to laugh. ‘This is because you made fun of me,’ he said as he started to massage John’s leg. ‘Karma works fast.’

  
‘Shut up,’ he said, face squeezed with pain. ‘This is the worst thing m he mumbled as his features eased up as the cramp went away. Roger kept on massaging him until he was sure the pain had stopped.

  
Nothing much happened after that. Roger offered to put on a film, they chose one they had seen before so that there was no problem if they fell asleep to it. John made tea for both of them and handed Roger his mug before comfortably settling himself as close to him as possible.

  
How did everything come to this so quickly? Although… had it really been so quickly when he had been longing for this for God knows how long?

  
In the end, it didn’t really matter, did it?

He rested his arm against the back of the sofa and started to brush John’s hair from behind, softly. John tilted his head to his side and gave him a look full of contentment before closing the space between them for a short kiss.

They did fall asleep but Roger managed to get them both to bed for the night. He had felt John’s head on his shoulder and the way he was breathing indicated he was dreaming already. He hated waking him up but he rather not to wake up with back-ache tomorrow. He leant an old t-shirt to John and watched as he put it on with his eyes closed, half-asleep. There was no need for pajamas bottoms since it was warm enough. He couldn’t make out what John had said to him while getting into the covers but he smiled nonetheless. The blond himself, changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed his teeth before getting into bed next to John. And oh my god, he had a very fast asleep John next to him, why was he getting nervous now? They had shared a bed before.

  
But this time was different.

  
John was on his side facing Roger. He did his best not to wake him up as he got under the covers and settled in. He normally slept laid over his back but he thought for a moment before he turned to face John and wrapped an arm around him. The other seemed to get the message because he stretched out an arm and brought Roger closer, resting his forehead on Roger’s chest. If John hadn’t been that asleep he was sure he would have been able to hear Roger’s heart thumping loudly. And it would have been only his fault.

Roger could feel the dawn light breaking through the windows. He tried to squeeze his eyes shut so that it didn’t bother him that much but it was useless. He was already awake. And for what he could gather he hadn’t moved much that night. He still had hold of John and his head over his chest. He looked down at him and yes, you guessed it, he smiled. He brushed what little hair John had over his forehead and laid a kiss there.

  
‘Rog?’ John croaked.

  
‘Hey.’

  
John rubbed his eyes. ‘Hey.’

  
‘Did you sleep well?’ he asked in a low voice.

  
‘Mhm...’ he stretched his arm and passed his hand all the way from Roger’s chest to his neck, pulling him down for a kiss.

‘What time is it?’

  
‘Time is a socially constructed concept, John.’

  
‘I- literally have no response to that.’ John chuckled.

  
They stayed there for a few minutes, none of them daring to move. Roger shook John’s shoulder softly making him look up. They locked eyes.

  
‘What?’ asked John, curiosity in his eyes.  
‘You are beautiful.’

  
John giggled and hid his face in Roger’s neck. ‘Stop flattering me, you already have me in your bed.’  
  
‘Yeah, but definitely wearing too many clothes.’

  
John took out his t-shirt in one smooth movement. ‘Is this better?’ he asked with a cocky smile. Okay, Roger was gaping. He tentatively passed his hand through John’s chest, doing what he hadn’t been allowed to do for so many years; he felt John shiver right before he leant forward to press their lips together. He let John’s tongue explore his mouth, returning the favour. And in no time he found himself panting and softly bucking his hips against John’s.

  
‘We’ll be late to the studio’ John mumbled as Roger left sloppy kiss against his neck.

  
‘So?’

  
`I'm trying to be responsible here and you’re making it-ah- you’re making it hard, Rog.’

  
‘I should hope so, Deaks,’ he replied, pressing his hand against John’s groin and making him groan.

  
Roger made sure their lips were together again before freeing John’s cock. John’s breath hitched at the first contact and Roger let him kiss him a little bit more roughly this time. Roger’s hand began moving slowly and a bit shaky. He didn’t want to screw it up. He wanted to make John feel great. He passed his thumb over the slit and spread the precome over his cock, helping his hand move up and down.

  
In no time he heard John making such little sweet noises that he wasn’t able to contain a whine. He tightened his grip and decided to go even slower until he eventually stopped.

  
He could feel John breathing heavily against his neck before he spoke, `What the hell, Roger?’

  
He let out a nervous laugh. ‘I just…’  
John moved his head so he was facing Roger again, uncertainty in his eyes. ‘Are you regretting this? We can stop.’

  
Roger let out another laugh while shaking his head. `I just- my hand is on your cock, Deaks.’

  
‘What!?’ He could sense the confusion in John’s voice.

  
‘I just can’t believe- my hand - is - on - your cook’ he accentuated each word with a stroke, making John’s breath catch. ‘Not going to lie, haven’t thought of giving you a handjob in many years but I had thought of doing it for so many more before, it’s a bit surreal.’

  
John chuckled before moving his lips to his neck’ ‘Surreal? Is my cock that good?’ he teased.

  
He didn’t bother replying and just started pumping again, rotating his wrist. Faster this time. He tried drowning John’s moans with his mouth but he hid his face in Roger’s neck again. And this time, when Roger’s thumb went over the head, John bit his neck. ‘Fuck, John.’

  
‘Keep going.’ He did as told, feeling John’s hips jerking. He was driving him crazy and he loved it. He tried to match the pace but quickly picked it up when he heard John mumbling. ‘More’. He knew John was close. He wished he could see his expression but the burnet’s face was still buried in his neck. Maybe another time.

  
He slowed down again, just to tease, before moving his hand faster.

  
‘Fuck, Roger.’

  
‘Come on, babe.’ Another stroke was what it took for John to come on his hand with a cry.

  
He loosened his hand a bit and gave John a few other strokes through his orgasm before pulling it away and cleaning it over the sheets. It was gross, but he could wash them later.

  
John was still breathing heavily against his neck. He left a kiss on top of John’s head before smiling against his hair.

  
‘Good?’ He felt him nod but didn’t answer.

  
In an instant John’s hands were grabbing Roger’s face and kissing him roughly, desperately. His hands moved from his face to his waist and started to tug at his t-shirt. ‘Take this off,’ he ordered in between kisses. It went right to his cock.

’Take this off, Rog,’ he insisted before sucking and nibbling his neck. Fuck.

  
Once more, he did as told and took his shirt off, throwing it to the floor. Roger didn’t know when but John’s lips were quickly sucking one of his nipples and one of his hands was playing with the other. He was feeling dizzy and he was certain he was making the most ridiculous noises. Slowly but surely, John’s lips and hands moved down and started to leave quick and soft kisses on his chest. Those weren’t passionate but rather sweet and Roger’s heart skipped a beat. With a hand he brushed John’s hair back, making him look up. He hoped his smile and eyes said everything he wasn’t so ready to say.

  
With a final smile, John moved down once again. This time he carefully parted Roger’s knees apart and settled himself between them. Roger wasn’t sure when or how but his pants were already gone. He held his breath when he locked eyes with John, the smile the later gave him made his cock twitch again. He couldn’t think of much to say since John’s mouth wrapped around him instantly after. He left his head fall back against the pillow with a moan.

  
‘Ah- fuck Deacy-ah! That feels nice.’

  
That made John stop and look at him.

‘Only nice?’ he stuck his tongue out and gave a few licks to the head of his cock. The image was obscene and Roger was losing his head. ‘Maybe I need to step up my game?’ He lapped at his length a few times more before working his mouth from the top to the base, taking in as much as he could.

  
Any rational thought was quickly disappearing from Roger’s mind. The sound, the feeling, the image was too much for him. He could tell this was not John’s first time, clearly, because he knew exactly what to do and how to do it to make him say ‘fuck’ in every language he knew in his head. And even out loud when he swirled his tongue over his head.

  
He could feel himself over the edge.

‘John- I’m very fucking close- if you don’t-’ he didn’t get to finish the sentence, John sucked harder, hallowing his cheeks. ‘Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.’ And without any other warning he is spilling in John’s mouth. He tried pushing him away but John just continued sucking him, leaving him dry.

  
He saw, between his almost closed eyelids, as John arose from where he was, passing the back of his hand over his mouth. He could see John’s chest rising and falling, the same as his. Trying to breath properly again.

  
He let himself fall next to Roger with a sigh. None of them saying anything for a few moments. John’s head turned to face Roger and he mirrored. John was wearing a coy smile.

  
‘My mouth was on your cook.’ Roger let out a laugh, he should gave him some credit for how well he copied Roger’s tone from before.

  
‘Kiss me?’

  
And John did.

Surprisingly, they didn’t arrive late to the studio. Or well… they arrived before Freddie so there weren’t many consequences aside from Brian’s look and complains of being there alone ‘for like two hours!’

  
The rest of the day went as you would expect, they worked on their songs, there was a bit of different opinions but nothing out of the ordinary, they chit-chatted a bit. Roger really hoped no one was paying close attention to him since he couldn’t keep a stupid smile appearing on his face each time he laid eyes on John. He couldn’t wait to have those lips on his again. He wanted to hold his hand so bad he felt embarrassed. Or at least he felt he should feel embarrassed. He had never been so clingy but here he was. He also couldn’t wait to tell someone what had transpired. He wanted reassurance he had not lose his mind.

That’s why when Freddie and John went out to get lunch, Roger approached Brian. Biting his lower lip, he sat down next to him and sighed purposefully loud to get his curly friend’s attention.

  
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Yes, Roger?’

  
Roger waited for a moment. Feeling all his courage gone.

  
‘I did something.’ he bit his lip again, unable to contain a smile. Happiness coming out from each word.

  
Now Brian looked at him with interested eyes. ‘Yes, Rog?’

  
‘Well… me and John did something.’

  
Brian frowned in confusion before realization hit him over. ‘Wha- Oh!’

  
‘Whatever you think we actually did, that’s probably not it,’ he joked. Brian was going to fall from that couch. He was going to leave him without words, for once. He was going to lose his m-

  
‘You’ve finally hooked up?’

  
Now Roger was gaping’ ‘How did you- what?’

  
Brian let out something in between a laugh and a scoff. ‘You aren’t as subtle as you would like to think, actually, you are pretty obvious. And you were pretty obvious back then too.’

  
Roger was at a loss of words.

  
‘Am I really that obvious?’ He asked, honestly.

  
‘Roger, you wear your emotions on your sleeve.’

  
That much was true.

  
Silence fell over the room until Brian spoke again.

  
‘When John told us he’d broken up with Veronica I wondered if you had something to do with it,’ he said in a calm voice.

  
‘You really think I would get in the middle of them? I am not that of an asshole.’

  
‘It was just a passing thought. So that means this happened no many days ago?’

  
‘Yesterday,’ Roger provided.  
Brian raised his eyebrows ‘Oh… and how are you feeling with it?’

  
‘I’m feeling great! I know it may look out of nowhere but it isn’t. Or at least it doesn’t feel like it, you know?’ Brian nodded, a smile starting to appear on his face.

  
‘And how about John?’

  
‘Well, I think we are on the same page, which is also great. Not sure what page that is, though.’

  
‘Maybe you’ll need to talk a little bit more about that, then.’

  
Roger worried his lips. ‘Yeah.’

  
And just on cue, John and Freddie appeared through the door. Roger jumped from the sofa and grabbed John’s hand, pulling him out of the door again and to the small backyard. ‘We need to talk about what happened.’

  
‘Yes, I agree.’ He saw John nod and close his eyes ‘Let’s pretend it never happened.’

  
Roger felt like he was punched in the face. ‘Sorry?’

  
‘It was stupid and-‘

  
‘Excuse me!?’ Roger exclaimed louder this time, and angrier.

  
‘Roger, listen-‘

  
‘Do you regret what happened?’ He would have slapped himself when he heard the crack in his voice.

  
‘No.’ he said firmly and shook his head. He locked eyes with the blond as he got hold of his hands. ‘I don't regret anything.’

  
‘Then what the fuck happened ‘cause I am pretty sure we agreed to try and make this work out.’

  
‘I- I just think it was a bit rushed, don’t you? And I don’t want to pressure into anything you might regret later.’

  
Roger frowned at those words ‘What brought that to your mind? I won’t.’

  
‘You can’t know that for sure. We both know you are a bit impulsive. You had recently split up with someone you had spent years with, same as me, and, correct me if I am wrong, but you never had anything serious with a man so-‘

  
‘Bullshit!’ He broke the hold of their hands with one abrupt movement. ‘If you are regretting it or just don’t want it to happen again, you just have to say and not blame it on me.’

  
‘Roger-‘ he could hear the pity in John’s voice.

  
‘I got the message, don’t worry.’ And with that he turned around and went inside, slamming the door.

  
He didn’t bother to answer to Brian, he didn’t even really heard what he’d asked, anyways. He grabbed his things and left the studio.

  
He had to give it to John, he was impulsive and hot headed but he was not going to stay and pretend everything was alright.

  
He wanted to scream and he wanted to cry. He was sure his chest was about to explode. But he did none of that. He got into his car and drove to the park nearest to his place. He didn’t get out of the car once he stopped it, though. He could see his knuckles turning white due to how hard he was grabbing the wheel.

  
One. Two. Three. Four. Five  
He started to inhale and exhale counting up and down until he felt himself relax a bit.

  
The world was not ending. He was not going to die. He might suffer a little bit but he was going to be fine.

  
But honestly? What the fuck? What the fuck was the point of talking things out? Why the sudden change?  
He took a deep breath.

  
It hurted. Like a fucking bitch. And that made Roger even angrier. And soon enough he felt the tears in his eyes.

  
He spent the rest of the day thinking and thinking about it. Trying to decipher what the hell had happened and what he should do. He, of course, wasn’t going to force someone to be in a relationship they didn’t want to be in. But he couldn’t just give up, could he?

  
Although John was going through a divorce and closing a big phase of his life. He also was, starting a new and different one. And maybe he needed time to adjust. Maybe jumping into something so serious with not only a man but with one of his closest friends wasn’t a great idea.

  
But John was the one who said he wanted to ‘jump into it.’ He hadn’t forced him to. And he had been honest, he knew that much.

  
But maybe he needed time to adjust.

Maybe he really regretted it.

  
So many ‘maybes’ and ‘buts’ were driving him mad.

  
Would it have been better if he had never even kissed John? Now that he knew what it was like, it was going to be difficult to keep his mind from wandering.

  
But at least he got to know what it was like to feel John’s touch, so tender and caring. So hot and addictive.

  
Roger had learnt a long time ago that not everything would go according to his plans. That he wouldn’t get what he wanted all the time.

  
And he wasn’t so selfish as to think what he needed or wanted was more important than John’s.

  
Even if he had to cry it out the following days or weeks he was not going to pressure John into anything.

The following days were harder than he expected. Seeing John with a similar miserable face didn’t help much either. He, of course, wanted to make it better. But how to do it without hurting himself more in the process?

  
He tried his best to act normal. Like nothing had happened. But he couldn’t. It had happened and it was tattooed on his skin. He had no intentions of erasing it but at the same time he had to cover it up with layers of clothes.

  
That was a shitty metaphor. But he felt shitty, okay?

  
And of course, Freddie’s and Brian’s pity faces and questions only made it worse.  
He was once again thankful for having ended things with Dominique so well because that wonderful woman was always at the other end of the phone to listen to him mop and give words of comfort.

  
‘Hey, Rog?’ The bass player’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. He looked up at him, arranging his sunglasses over his eyes. Yes, he was inside. Yes, he was on his drums. But having these covering his eyes were useful.

  
‘Uhm… I rented ‘Back to the Future.’ he bit his lips.

  
Roger tilted his head ‘Yes?’

  
‘Why don’t you come and we’ll watch it over some pasta?’

  
‘Not really in the mood for pasta, thanks.’ He tried to give his best polite smile as he stood up from the drums’

  
‘We can order something el-‘

  
‘John’ He stopped him ‘Maybe another time, yeah?’ He was walking to the door when he heard John’s voice.

  
‘I-‘  
  
He turned around to see him with his eyes pressed closed. ‘I didn’t want things to change between us.’

  
Roger closed his eyes and took a deep breath, gathering the strength he needed to speak. ‘But they did, John.’

  
‘But- can we go back?’

  
‘Go back where? Of course not, sorry but no. It meant something to me. I can’t pretend it never happened.’ He got closer to John with each sentence and tried to follow his gaze which was now set on the floor. ‘John’ He looked up to him ‘I can leave what happened there but don’t ask me to forget it. I am not saying things will never be alright between us again but I need time, yes? I respect your choice, I don’t understand it, but I respect you enough. Please respect my times now.’ And with that he walked away.

A big weight was off his chest now but it didn’t feel as good as he thought he would feel.

  
He just needed time. What he said was true. Time to be able to have a proper with John without wanting to grab him by his face and kiss him or wanting to cry in front of the man and ask for explanations.

  
To be honest, at some point he thought that at least now that it was out of his system, he would be able to move on.

But as he suspected he was dealing with something bigger than a crush.

  
Roger let his head fall against the table on top of the notebook he currently had opened in front of him.

  
He should just let it be. What good was it to turn the situation inside and out again and again? It was only hurting him.

  
He should be thankful to have been able to wake up with John’s face next to him at least once. To had been able to kiss him and feel his affection in each touch.

  
Somehow Roger needed to stop thinking about it, though. Needed to leave it behind as a memory and move on. He truly missed John and it’s not as if they hadn’t been just friends for so many years.

  
He closed his eyes, sighing and with that thought in mind he grabbed his pen and began to write.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the lovely comments and for taking the time to read this thing I wrote. It means the world!!
> 
> Love to read your opinions on this chapter. (And don’t worry, it’s going to have a happy ending)


	3. INTO THE SUNSHINE FROM THE RAIN

He was first in the studio the following week. And It made sense, it was 6 am after all. But he had finished his new song yesterday and needed to polish the beats a bit before showing it to the others.

He sat down and began to hit the drums. He already had the melody in mind. But he needed to practice some more, even though he knew the others would want to add or modify something about the song. He was willing to compromise on everything except the lyrics. The lyrics would stay the way they were now. 

And that’s exactly what he told them.

‘Okay. Play it for us and we’ll focus on the instrumental part,’ Freddie said as he grabbed the paper Roger was offering and began reading. He saw his eyebrows go up before giving Roger a glance and he could feel Brian’s eyes on his back. The only one who wasn’t looking at him was John. Which was for the best, possible.

‘It’s a beautiful love song,’ Brian commented.

‘Yes, our Roger has been getting soft as the years passed,’ Freddie teased. ‘Is it going to be a slow song or-‘

‘No. I want it to be upbeat. I had in mind a prominent bass in this one.’ Freddie gave him a look he knew was of warning. 

‘Are you going to sing it?’ 

‘Nah, I think it’ll go best with your voice. I can sing it now so you can get the idea but I want yours in the album.’

‘Okay, the stage is yours.’

He first showed them the basic rhythm of the song with his drums. He then proceeded to listen to some of Brian’s ideas for the guitar chords. Even Freddie had something to add before moving into the singing part.

John still hadn’t say a thing. Now it didn’t seem like a good sign.

He drank some water before grabbing his paper and began singing. 

_ I wake up _

_ Feel just fine _

_ Your face _

_ Fills my mind _

_ I get religion quick _

_ Because you're looking divine _

_ Honey, you're touching something _

_ You're touching me _

_ I'm under your thumb, under your spell _

_ Can't you see? _

He cleared his throat ‘And now the chorus’ he knew John’s eyes were now on him. He could feel his gaze burning through him.

_ If I could only reach you _

_ If I could make you smile _

_ If I could only reach you _

_ That would really be a breakthru _

_ These barriers of pain _

_ Into the sunshine from the rain _

_ Make my feelings known towards you _

_ Turn my heart inside and out for you now _

_ Somehow I have to make this final breaktru _

He took a deep breath a worried his lips before locking eyes with John. 

_ Your smile _

_ Speaks books to me _

_ I break up _

_ With each and every one of your looks at me _

_ Honey, you're starting something deep inside of me _

_ Honey, you're sparking something this fire in me _

_ I'm outta control, I want to rush headlong into this ecstasy _

‘And then the chorus again. Haven’t really thought of lyrics for the bridge. I might leave it just instrumental.’ he shrugged.

‘So you want a prominent bass line?’ John’s voice was low but firm.

He nodded carefully. ‘I want the bass and drums to be kind of what drives the song, if that makes sense.’

‘Okay, show me the drums again?’ He said as he stood up and grabbed his bass.

He didn’t say anything and did as told.

‘Okay, stop. Start again and I’ll join in,’ John commanded.

He took a deep breath and counted John in. It sounded great. Better than he had hoped for. Somehow John knew exactly which chords to play. Maybe the pace could be faster. He said so to John and they started again. After a few tries Freddie joined in and he could see Brian’s engines in movement inside his head. 

By the end of the day the song was close to being finished. 

And surprisingly… everything flowed great between John and him, he felt not that everything went back to normal but normal enough.

When he said his goodbyes he didn’t feel a knot in his throat or the need to rush out of there. So that was a win.

Back at his place he put on a Fleetwood Mac record and was starting to prepare dinner as he heard a knock. 

And then two more. 

‘Roger?’ 

What the hell was John doing there? Was he angry about the song? Oh fuck.

‘Hey..’ he mumbled as he opened the door to find his friend on the other side. ‘What-‘

‘Can I come in?’ 

‘Uhm- sure, mate’ He moved to the side to let him go in. ‘What-‘ He started again only to be interrupted.

‘Don’t ‘mate’ me’ And in a second he was against the closed door with a bass player pressed against him. He instinctively closed his eyes as he felt urgent lips fall over his.

His hands went straight to John’s hair as he felt John’s hands on his neck. Fuck. He was getting breathless. These were not sweet and short kisses. They were messy and long and John was holding him as he didn’t want to let go of him for the foreseeable future. As he wanted to have him closer with each second that went by.

And Roger wasn’t going to complain. He gladly opened his mouth to let John’s tongue in. And when he got the chance, he bit softly into his lower lip, making him whine softly. He smiled. He had missed that sound. He had missed those lips. He had missed John.

That made him stop and pull away, he saw John lean in search if his lips but he pushed him back gently. 

‘You can’t ask me to forget what happened and then come here and kiss me like that.’ It sounded so cliche but he couldn’t think of another way of putting it. Not with John’s red lips so close to his. 

The man in question gave him a sheepish smile. ‘Sorry?’

‘Are you fucking serious?’ He left John standing there as he walked deeper into the living room. He passed a hand through his hair and sighed. ‘Be honest with me’

‘I just- I got scared, Rog.’ John followed him. ‘I guess I was not ready to feel… this way.’

‘Which is…’ He encouraged John as he approached.

‘I’ve had a crush on you since day one,’ he admitted with a timid smile. He saw John’s hands hesitate a bit before going to his hair. ‘And it only got worse as I began to really know you.’ He was now stroking his hair back softly, looking at the movements of his hands instead of looking into Roger’s eyes. ‘I put all of that away for years but kissing you brought all of those feelings and some new ones to the surface.’ He bit his lips ‘It was overwhelming.’ He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Roger’s own hands went to John’s waist and pulled him a bit closer. ‘I felt guilty too, you know? Felt as if I was betraying Veronica in a new and worse way… I know it doesn’t make much sense but…’ He shrugged ‘That’s how I felt.’

Silence fell in the room as Roger took in John’s words. 

‘I’m sorry.’ 

Instead of replying, Roger stood in tip toes and gave John a short and soft kiss on his cheek. 

‘What changed now?’ He mumbled against his lips.

‘I realized I was being an idiot and throwing away this amazing shot life had thrown at me.’

He gave him a timid and quick kiss’ ‘Amazing, huh?’

‘Pretty.’ John added, returning a short kiss with a smile.

‘Want to play scrabble?’ He asked with a cocky smile.

John chuckled and nodded before following him into his bedroom. Once there he stood awkwardly beside the bed for a minute before John teased him,

‘What a shy thing you turned out to be.’ And he brought their lips together.

‘Fuck you,’ he chuckled

‘That’s the idea.’

The laughter started to die as John’s hands began unbuttoning his shirt. He wasn’t rushing anymore, he was taking his time and exploring every inch of skin that got exposed. Roger shivered under his touch. He decided to help. He started unbuckling John’s belt and unzipping his jeans, he intentionally pressed his hand against the burnet’s groin in the process, making his breath hitch.

‘I think I should take off my shoes first,’ John commented with a childish smile that made Roger giggle. He threw his shirt off onto the floor and followed John to the edge of the bed to get rid of his shoes too. Roger suddenly felt a bit self conscious of his body when John took off his t-shirt. He couldn’t help but notice the difference between John’s slim body and well... his own. He unintentionally crossed his arms over his belly as he waited for John to finish taking off his jeans. It was silly, he knew, but-

John grabbed him softly by his chin and made him look up to him. ‘What is it?’

Roger opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He knew he was going to sound stupid. ‘I just kind of always envied your shape.’

John frowned at that’

‘You know, you are so slim and tall and have a great ass.’

‘I didn’t think you of all people would have confidence problem, Roger.’

‘Yeah, well, I know I’m not in my best shape, that’s all.’ John let out a laugh at that which made Roger’s face drop. But he didn’t have much time to think of a snarky reply because John was suddenly pushing him back.

‘You are a silly man,’ He mumbled against his lips before giving him a short kiss. ‘Silly silly.’

‘It’s a valid point, John.’ and although he tried to sound serious, the smile on his face when John started to kiss him all over his face, was betraying him.

‘It’s silly, you are literally one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen and at the same time you can make my cock go hard with just a look,’ John said it so casually but it went straight into Roger’s own cock.

‘Yeah?’

‘Hmm.’ John agreed once more before moving to his chest. He left a trail of kisses until he reached his stomach. John held his gaze for a moment and Roger began breathing more heavily than before. He thought John was about to go down on him as he had done the other day but he stayed there stroking his stomach and giving it soft kisses.

‘I’ve always thought you had an adorable belly, to be honest.’ Roger’s heart was about to burst out of his chest. ‘And I still do.’ He looked up to him with a soft smile.

‘I love you.’

He said the words without giving it a second thought to what if John thought he was being soppy or whatever. He was sure of it. 

The grin on John’s face only made him more sure of it.

He pulled him up by his shoulders to bring their lips together again. After a few minutes he began bucking his hips up, seeking more friction. He quickly pulled away and took his and then John’s pants off. He gave himself a moment to really look at the brunet, he couldn’t help it and his eyes trailed south.

‘I want you to fuck me,’ he said.

John chuckled. ‘Wow, okay. Straight to the point,’ he said as he gave his dick a tug. ‘Have you ever…’

‘Dominique and I used to have our fun.’ He said grabbing some lube and a condom from the nightstand. He could see John processing what he had just said and that made him laugh. ‘Surprised?’

‘I mean… a bit but- ah!’ John didn’t get to finish the sentence as Roger closed his hand around John’s shaft and started pumping. John closed the gap between them, more desperately this time. He did his best not to break away as he placed himself on top of John, effectively straddling him. He pressed his hips down drawing a moan out of John and himself.

He grabbed the bottle of lube from where he had left on the bed and gave it to John who apparently got the message. He poured a considerable amount on his fingers before moving them to Roger’s back. He himself was dying from the anticipation. He held his breath as John’s fingers got close to his entrance. He teased him a bit before fully putting two fingers inside of him. 

‘Ah- fuck!’

‘Tell me if it’s too much or if you want me to--’

‘Don’t stop’ he started to move his hips encouraging John to move his fingers. And he did.

Roger didn’t care much for the noises that were coming out of his mouth when John was working his fingers so deliciously inside of him. It was driving him insane, and they were just his fingers. He felt as if the mere thought of having John inside of him was enough to make him come.

‘You can add another-ah! Fuck, John.’

‘Have I found it?’ John asked as he pressed his fingers against that sweet spot again and again.

‘I- I’m gonna come just by-ah! just by this.’

‘What a party pooper.’

Roger let out a loud laugh. ‘Come on, I know you’re going to enjoy this next part better,’ he tried to say as provocatively as possible but he was already having trouble to breath properly. And with that he got hold of John’s dick. He stroked the head with his thumb and spread some lube over him after putting on the condom. He lifted himself up a bit and guided John inside of him. He let himself fall over John slowly, getting used to the feeling. He couldn’t help but moan loud at the first contact and he felt John’s breath hintch. 

‘God, you feel amazing.’ They stayed still for a bit. Roger trying to adjust to him. He looked down and moved his hand up to pinch John’s nipple, getting the reaction he hoped for. He wanted to see him come undone under him. After another beat he began moving. He lifted his hips up again and dropped back down harder this time. He slowly repeated the movement a few times as he began to fasten the pace. He let his head fall backwards, shutting his eyes as his rotated his ass in circles against John.

‘Look at you,’ he said. ‘You’re so pretty, giving me exactly what I need.’ And at that John flushed even more. He tightened himself around John and started bouncing faster over him, making him moan louder and louder.

He himself couldn’t stay quiet for longer than a few seconds. He felt John’s cock graze against his prostate and he was sure the growl he let out was not humane. He felt his legs beginning to shake and get tired as John hit it again and again. He suddenly stopped dead making John open his eyes worriedly. 

‘What happened? You okay?’ John asked in between breaths.

‘Yeah yeah, I just… I got tired.’ He admitted still panting, feeling his face getting hotter.

‘Oh! That’s okay, let’s switch.’ John gave him a long kiss before repositioning on top of him. ‘Open your legs for me, sweetheart, that’s it.’ He said stroking his inner thighs and bringing him closer. He watched as John poured some more lube on him before slipping into the blond once more with a moan. 

The sound of John’s skin slapping against his was outrageously hot. Both of John’s hands moved to the sides of his hips and got a tight hold of him. He started thrusting harder and faster into Roger once he made sure he had found his spot again.

‘I’m close, Deacs. I’m fucking close.’

‘I know, me too- me too. You feel so good, christ.’

He kept going and pumping into him until Roger came. He let his head fall backwards, his back arching a bit. He pressed his eyes close, his mouth opening but producing no sound. When John reached his own orgasm he let himself fall on top of Roger. Head over his chest. He was sweaty and flushed all over. Same as John. They were both still panting as if they had run a 10k. He brought one of his hands to John’s head and pushed his hair off his face, at that he returned Roger’s gaze and smiled.

The next morning found Roger waking up between John’s arms. Basically how he wanted to keep waking up for the rest of his days, he thought. He watched John’s chest rise and fall softly, still sleeping and he decided not to wake him up just yet.

He carefully extracted himself from his arms and began dressing up. He would love it if he could prepare a nice and delicious breakfast for John but the truth was he couldn’t cook for shit. So he made his way down the street to a bakery he knew John would love. 

He made a point of not rushing back as much as he wanted to. He let the morning sun warm his face. He didn’t know where the idea came from but he suddenly wanted to go for a picnic. He was being so ridiculous, he was about to slap himself out of it if he continued that way.

As he approached his place his stomach began to growl. He could smell that someone was also getting ready to have breakfast. Eggs and toast, he suspected. As he opened the door to his apartment he realized the smell was coming from there. The first sight he got when he opened the door was of the bass player putting some bread into the toaster. He had his back to him but when he heard the noise of the door closing he set his eyes on him. ‘Morning,’ he said smiling.

A grin appeared on his face too. ‘Morning, Deacs.’ He left the bag on the table as he got closer to John as to give him a short peck. ‘Did you sleep well?’ John nodded, eyes still fixated on his ‘What?’ he asked.

‘I love you too.’

Roger couldn’t find the right words to express how he was feeling. His heart was really about to burst out of his chest. For real this time. 

He decided on kissing him once more and moving to the living room to put on the radio.

_ Ooh, you make me live now honey! _

_ Ooh, you make me live _

‘You have got to be kidding me.’ He heard John laugh from the kitchen

_ You're the best friend _

_ That I ever had _

He suddenly felt arms around him and John’s face appeared over his shoulder singing softly to his own words.

_ I've been with you such a long time _

_ You're my sunshine _

‘Come one! Sing with me.’

He smiled bigger before joining John.

_ And I want you to know _

_ That my feelings are true _

_ I really love you _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is the end of this story! I hope you all enjoyed it! I would love to read your thoughts. Now that I'm posting it I realize how short the final chapter is :P but I hope you like it nonetheless. Thank you for all the lovely comments, they have been heartwarming!! 
> 
> ( If you liked this you can check out my other story were John and Roger go to Disney or the AU writeyourownlifestory and I are writing were the boys are tattoo artists :) )


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